I did it again.
I wussed out.
Why do I do this? Why is it in my nature to avoid confrontations and act as if everything is okay when it really isn't?
I tend to think that it stems from my childhood...the daughter of an alcoholic parent that was never around the house and, if he was, he was either in a good mood or a piss poor mood or an indifferent mood or a drunk and passed out kind of mood. So you better just behave because every day is an unpredictable kind of day.
The daughter of an alcoholic parent that didn't want the world to know even though the world probably did know because he was also an adulterous parent.
Or it could be because since my father wasn't ever around, my mother became the all-encompassing parent, "The Boss," the one you also do not make angry.
Whatever the case, I kept things inside. I was a good kid in school. I got into college. I didn't do anything wrong. And now, as an adult, I do my job well and without complaint (except when I write in this diary!), I don't like to have confrontations with friends or relatives or coworkers or customers or animals.
Everything is fine.
And then I break apart on the inside over something silly, like having to climb up three flights of stairs in a shitty apartment with my laundry. I literally feel something screaming inside of me, something scary that I need to contain or otherwise...what. What would happen? I don't even know. Nothing horrific. I would just yell. Or cry. Or, heaven forbid, make someone mad by something I had said.
What do you do with yourself when you've always just acted this way? Or does everyone have that little something screaming inside of them from time to time...that little something that is dancing on the border of insanity and all you have to do is decide to leap over the line to become a full-blown crazy person? But then decide not to because even that decision requires the balls that you just do not have?
I remember in health class they talked about alcoholism and how the children in a family of an alcoholic will assume different roles, i.e. "the joker" or "the overachiever." And they said that a child would also assume many of those roles. And I thought "I am the joker and the overachiever..." even though I didn't want to even think about it.
And I still wonder why my sister doesn't talk at all about it. Or my mother. Or my father.
We don't talk about anything important at all.
I've started to avoid talking to my father, just because I'm getting to the point where I just cannot sit and talk about the weather or how my nieces are doing when every fiber in my body wants to latch onto him and shake him until he verbalizes it all.
I just want to hear him say it.
I want him to say "Yes, I cheated on your mother. Yes, I was never around for you."
I don't even care if he doesn't say he's sorry.
I just want him to recognize that.
Why won't he?
This is turning into an entry that I don't want to write.
What I wanted to write about was that my big boss approached me today because my little boss is leaving and asked me how I felt about my own job, her position, what I think the new person should be like...yar yar yar. No specific questions, just whammed it on me. So, I froze. And basically just sat there. And said a few things, but nothing like what my insides were saying.
And she mentioned that people think I am being under-utilized.
And I wanted to tell her that it was all true and why the hell are you making me do stupid things like buy cheese when I could do important things like...MAKE cheese! Or cut the cheese!
;)
But, I didn't.
I did say that I was always up for learning more and that I welcomed the opportunity to do more, but that I am busy now and nothing I do is brain surgery, but it keeps me busy.
I don't know.
How do you tell someone that you can't stand your job and you're just doing it because you have to?
You don't tell them that. That's what happens.
You don't tell.
Everything is fine.